


The 68 Rules of Middle-earth

by TheSunshineDragon



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Not to be taken seriously, Yeah it's a list, but also sorta serious, slight crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25044376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSunshineDragon/pseuds/TheSunshineDragon
Summary: The 68 Rules of Middle-earth that should absolutely not be followed under any circumstances because what are we, Baggins?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	The 68 Rules of Middle-earth

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! Yup, so this is another old one. An old acquaintance of mine on FFN (that I'm pretty sure was under the username Elite Warrior, but it's been literal ages) pitched in with some of these (also the man himself, Tolkien, but we all know that ;). So, dude, if you're still out there, thanks for the help!

1\. Never be at the receiving end of a Wizard's staff. You'll end up with bruises or worse.  
  


2\. To the Balrogs: Never take an Istari lightly. It will be your undoing.  
  


3\. To the Nazgul: Don't challenge Arwen, just don't, especially if:

a) She has a sword

b) Can most likely use mentioned sword

c) Is in a supposedly slow river

d) Knows how to command supposed river  
  


4\. Never underestimate Strider's hearing.  
  


5\. Don't snore if Strider is within hitting range. Especially if you're in Lothlorien and the elves are singing a lament.  
  


6\. It's never a good idea to play hide-and-seek with the Urak-Hai. Especially if they're looking for Hobbits.  
  


7\. Never eat too much lembas = stinky boat. Seriously Pippin?  
  


8\. Don't challenge shield-maidens of Rohan for that matter.  
  


9\. Never try to steal Legolas' horse. Or any other elven horse, while we're on the subject.  
  


10\. Careful who you call 'pointy-eared'. You might end up with an arrow between your eyes next time, instead of your legs.  
  


11\. Beware of pointy blades. Just because it's a few decades old doesn't mean that it's not sharp. I won't even go on...  
  


12\. Falling off a cliff into a raging river has never been a good idea.  
  


13\. Don't try to steal Bilbo's silver spoons. (I'm looking at you, Sackville-Baggins)  
  


14\. Don't overdo it with Ent-water. Height doesn't always matter.  
  


15\. Speaking of Ents, NEVER EVER underestimate their strength and endurance. Especially if they are angry.  
  


16\. Never ask Gandalf how old he is. He'll probably give you a riddle. Or not answer at all.  
  


17\. Never give up hope if Aragorn's around. It will end up with you rallying or men and riding out to meet the army amassed at your front door.  
  


18\. _Never_ tell a wizard he is late. He'll just tell you that he's always on time.  
  


19\. Smoking your pipe isn't the best idea when you are in a meeting. You might choke on said smoke.  
  


20\. Aragorn was named Estel for a reason. Don't tell him he shouldn't be King of Gondor.  
  


21\. Just because someone appears dead, doesn't mean that they are. Make sure before you try to torch them.  
  


22\. Don't turn your back after a Balrog falls off a bridge. Make sure they have at least fallen a few thousand feet, before you do.  
  


23\. Don't ask Gandalf if he ever loses his pointy hat. News flash: He doesn't.  
  


24\. Don't say that mushrooms have addled Radagast's brain. He's perfectly fine and has the full right to be a little eccentric. After all, he has had to deal with _Mirkwood_ animals for hundreds of years.  
  


25\. Just because you are at the head of the White Council, doesn't necessarily mean that you are the most powerful person in Arda. News flash, Saurman: You're not.  
  


26\. Looks can be deceiving. Gandalf isn't as frail as he appears.  
  


27\. Gandalf can bark and bite. So be careful.  
  


28\. Never steal Legolas' shampoo  
  


29\. Or his conditioner. Seriously, don't try it. Ever.  
  


30\. Never just go shooting for the darkest gate of all time. It might just jeopardize your all-important quest to save the world. (I'm looking at you, Frodo)  
  


31\. Staying _hidden_ at a _secret_ council was the idea. Joining the Quest wasn't. (At first, anyway...)  
  


32\. Just because wizards have the collective wisdom of hundreds of years does not necessarily mean they can solve any riddle.  
  


33\. Be careful what skeletons you touch. Don't want to have orcs flooding your safe haven of a tomb.  
  


34\. Don't bring shaving items to Middle-earth if you ever land there. Looking rugged might help with your manliness.  
  


35\. Don't mess with Legolas' hair gel either. You know what?! Just don't even _try to steal_ Legolas' hair stuff! Period!  
  


36\. Always check who's at the door before you yell, "No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations!"  
  


37\. Never ask a Wizard the _exact time_ they will show up. They will almost never show when we would like them to.  
  


38\. Never say "My precioussssssss." You would probably have a lot of people wanting you dead.  
  


39\. You always want to watch your back if Isuldir has the One Ring. Never know when you're going to be attacked.  
  


40\. Always check for captives before you attack (Looking at you, Eomer).  
  


41\. Never ask a Wizard to divulge his secrets. They rarely give them up.  
  


42\. If Gandalf says he was barely involved in anything, witnesses will probably tell you otherwise.  
  


43\. Do not lose half of your quiver when fighting a dragon. Every arrow is a precious thing in a battle.  
  


44\. Test the ice before you decide to fight on it. It's not always as solid as it looks. (Looking at you, Thorin)  
  


45\. Never say never when it comes to friendships between dwarves and elves! Everyone is full of surprises.  
  


46\. Always give Sam a friendly nudge if he gets shy.  
  


47\. Fireworks should be under heavy guard if Merry and Pippin are in the vicinity.  
  


48\. Never call Denethor mad. Call him insane and then run.  
  


49\. Don't ever touch the Plantir. 'Nuff said.  
  


50\. Never leave your shield behind at camp. You might need it to survive a battle.  
  


51\. Careful with the mushrooms. They're always the downfall of Hobbits. Literally.  
  


52\. Never play the drinking game with an elf. He'll win. (Seriously, do elves _ever_ get drunk?)  
  


53\. Don't underestimate the strength of snow. Just because you don't _sink_ in the snow, doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be _buried_ under it.  
  


54\. Speaking of snow, be careful on snowy mountains. Saurman might decide to bring on down onto your head.  
  


55\. Don't throw rocks in the water. Seriously. You might regret it.  
  


56\. Careful who you insult. The horse lords of Rohan can be easily aggravated.  
  


57\. Always know your directions before you set out from Rivendell. There's no such thing as MapQuest or Google Maps in Middle-earth (Helcaraxe, anyone?).  
  


58\. Make sure there aren't any dragons in the vicinity before you begin to collect gold. You might save a whole lot of people the trouble of slaying one.  
  


59\. Beware of the gold a dragon has long brooded on.  
  


60\. Don't awaken live dragons.  
  


61\. NEVER assume an enemy is dead. Sauron, Azog, The Nazgul (Sam thought they were dead in the Dead Marshes scene), Gollum (he fell in Shelob's lair then reappeared at Mount Doom), am I missing anyone?  
  


62\. Never trust Gollum.  
  


63\. Never say 'good morning' to an Ent. By the time they answer, it'll be time for bed.  
  


64\. Same goes for 'good night'.  
  


65\. Never underestimate Dwarves. They have relatives, and ravens.  
  


66\. If you think you're winning/losing, always expect a surprise army to arrive at the last moment.  
  


67\. Never hum and/or sing, 'We're off to the wizard' song around Gandalf, Radagast, or Saurman. Results: You don't want to know.  
  


68\. Never underestimate the stubbornness of dwarves.


End file.
